Comment #1
some of these same women who cannot let go of their hair have been called monkeys and too black and have seen their sisters and mothers run from the sun.
like i said before, i just feel that these women who have not yet freed themselves should be criticized because of it and to answer your question, no i don't see many bald head dark skin women walking around just as they are not on tv or in magazines but i do see many dark skin women with blonde weaves and perms
beauty is superfical but it is the first thing that ppl will see and judge you on and you can't deny that.
Comment #2
I really hate when ppl say that it is just hair, its not. never has been for black women and never will be.
also long hair is a preference to most black men so that is also an important aspect when it comes to dating with black women who wish to marry a black man. ...
take me for example, i get many looks and compliments from ppl when my hair is out-long and relaxed but when i wear braids, i am hardly noticed.
for women who are not as extraordinarily gorgeous as zara is, it is not just hair.
and anything that god himself took the time, thought and consideration to bless us with can nver be JUST ANYTHING!
Comment #3
it is always someone who is beautiful who wants to talk about how beauty is not such a big deal...if you only knew.
I can understand the insecurity that leads many black women to pursue weaves/relaxers/extensions but I think that accepting natural hair has less to do with what's beautiful/hot/attractive to others, and more to do with adjusting our view of what's normal. Natural hair is just that — natural. It's how our hair grows out of our head. Ultimately we have to come to terms with that, no matter what others think. That's just my take.
What are your thoughts?
@12:45pm, jenteel says: by request from leila, i will post my thoughts originally posted as a comment on the matter:
i haven't commented on a few of the recent posts because i could already see where the conversation was going...like foxy not-so brown stated on her very own feature, i too am really tired with the color complex "blame game". like leila stated, the deeper issue is that black people lack unity.
look at black women. take a good hard look. the insecurities are plastered on front street. even these "celebrity" black women that are "worshiped" are not even secure enough in themselves to be themselves. yet i see women "envy" them and fall all over themselves in attempts to copy them. look at the numerous celebrities who get plastic surgery. the majority of black female celebrities have undergone rhinoplasty. i don't know what it will take for women (and not just black women) to get it. THE INSECURITY NEVER STOPS, NO MATTER THE LEVEL. as previously stated, you have to fortify yourself with your own happy force field so that no one can touch you!
as a woman especially, you cannot rely on others to build up your self-esteem. even if you are seen as "beautiful" by the majority, you will still get criticized or judged. look at all the women taking the opportunity to cut down celebrities any chance they get on these gossip blogs; projecting their own insecurities trying to feel better about themselves.
i so respect this comment by shandra e because it is the pure honest truth: "i'm just SCARY without a cause & i'll use any excuse to justify/maintain my fear!! =/lol."
but i can't stomach some of the others....i view some of the other comments as cross contamination of personal insecurity projected towards other women. i am not judging you, but your personal opinions do not reflect the purpose of this blog. there are too many beautiful black women showcased here. too many. you wanted "proof", we give you proof. everyday. now maybe YOU don't think these women are beautiful. this may be because of what your own opinions of beauty are, especially since most black women have been brainwashed since day one, usually by their own family members that they are not good enough.
but at BGLH, a wide range of beauty is profiled, so that women can "get it". even if it may not be projected in your personal sphere, these pictures are supposed to serve as encouragement to counter the pressures and/or difficulties that may be encountered on the journey to go natural that is very much tied into acceptance of self.
once you make the decision to go natural there are no more excuses. you agree to accept your hair "as is". if after going natural, you feel it's not for you that's fine too. we are given this life to make choices that suit our individual lifestyles.
i know where the insecurity is stemming from. we all know. there's nothing wrong with experimentation but, point blank: if your security is chained together with a box of relaxer or weave or to what you think a man likes, those are issues that you and only you can confront.
we are all here to support one another on the unique natural journey, no matter what form that takes. but please stop making excuses and confront these personal insecurities. take action: surround yourself with positive/forward thinking people. limit your interactions with negative/toxic people. the process doesn't happen over night, but at least try! then we can at least work together (instead of against each other) past them. similar to what monique stated: stop letting people tell you who and what you are. define for yourself who and what you are.
~j~
90 comments:
hmmm well, Being "pretty" means so many different things and skin color never crosses my mind! However, facial features do! Someone can be gorgeous, but perhaps their specific features look better with longer/shorter hair! As i stated before, i'm worried that short hair will EXagerate my bust size which is "healthy" for my weight, height & shape! Also because i'm petite, us petite girls tend to have shorter necks and that was a concern too?! But skin color is nothing: Jada's carmel skin looks lovely with short hair, so does Estelle and India Arie!! And so far i have loved all the guest/featured BC pics you have posted of other bloggers!! So the fear is not limited to skin tone or even beauty...more so specif features! Ex. I have full lips, button nose, & high round cheek bones...what's more rare is seeing someone with a 'round face' rocking a uber short cut; it's Rarely a good look! we need at least chin length hair to balance out our facial structure! so girl, i don't know, i love my Face, my features, & my chocolate skin...i'm just SCARY without a cause & i'll use any excuse to justify/maintain my fear!! =/
lol...but i'm really going for the BC because i NEED it! and hmm, "naturally" my hair is medium/long in legnth & it grows fast so would rocking it short be "unnatural"??? lol...i'm just antagonizing; disregard that! ;o)
Sometimes I wonder why there are people in this world who fully know they are "enslaved" yet want to grip their chains even harder. People, we only have one life. It's time to rise up and go against the lies society has told you once and for all. That is where you find the strength that comes from God within you. If not, you will regret it by the time you are six feet under...
God made natural hair. Obviosuly, natural hair is not only for "pretty black women" but for ALL black women.
Also remember: beauty is NOT a virtue.
I think natural hair looks beautiful on all. I have seen many women with natural hair, braids or just bald. I really do think it's beautiful and they just come off as confident, happy and fun. I do love bald women because it just makes their eyes and smile pop. Sooo pretty!
It's beautiful, unique and normal.
If you can't accept that then that's your problem.
While I agree that natural hair has to do with adjusting our view of what's normal, it is also important to realise that it is also about beauty.
The bottom line is: All women want to be considered beautiful by others. All women want to be considered at the very least, marginally desirable. Women want to be desired by men. Sure, cat calls and other silly behaviour is taking it a little too far and borderline harassment, but at the same time part of being a woman is being desirable to a man, and a lot of Black women don't feel desirable to men with natural hair.
Study after study has shown that most men prefer long hair, so it only follows that huge numbers of Black women should harbour secret beauty insecurities about their hair because of its gravity-defying properties.
And that is also the reason why women like Beyonce are so desirable to men. She is curvaceous and very feminine-shaped which loads of men like, then on top of it she has this long silky flowing weave which basically seals the deal.
Black women who go natural on the other hand have to deal with the fact that there are lots of men out there who might not consider them pretty because their hair doesn't blow in the wind and isn't down to their waist.
Whether men have developed this preference for long hair through conditioning I cannot tell you, but what I can tell you is this. It has been scientifically proven that majority of men PREFER long hair on women. It doesn't mean they won't date short-haired women, but again PREFER is the key word here. Can't remember the documentation link but I'm sure if you look you'll find it.
Black women are the only group of women whose natural hair doesn't swing down seductively so of course there will be insecurities.
Sure going natural is about learning to accept who you are, but trust me, accepting who you are is ten times easier than accepting who other people see you as.
It's unfair, but at the end of the day, I have heard lots of guys say (and I am sure other people have heard guys in their environment say) that women with natural aren't as pretty as women with long silky hair. I have also heard guys go crazy and enthuse and obsess over girls with long waist or butt length hair solely for the length of their hair.
Now how do you think a woman who just went natural feels when she hears this kind of stuff? It's bad enough that other people just plain don't think her god-given hair is AS pretty, then on top of that there's the growing suspicion that her hair might be negating from her beauty and desirability as seen in the eyes of men.
Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.
I think the first to comments were on the ignorant side.There are exactly the reason why some women are stuck in the prison of a mindset.
The last one however is very true to me. However I think that when a woman TRULY excepts herself is whan she is most beautiful, physically or not, because she is untouched by what everyone says to her.That goes for women with natural and relaxed hair.She knows deep down that it is HER.
Natural hair isn't "for the beautiful" its to make you FEEL beautiful. a way to search yourself, its a journey. its the journey that's beautiful as well.
Come on, that's why we have site like this, to aid in the demolition of these close minded ideals.
If you think only "atractive" women can wear natural hair, you have serious issues.and you are blind...look at all these beaitiful women on this site and other sites like this..I hope these women dont pass this sttitude down to thier children..its time to stop the cycle of self hate..you werent born with a box of perm attached to your umbilical cord..your hair as well as your entire body was designed to be beautiful and compliment you..the creator didnt give us this hair randomly.
YOU are stopping yourself from being natural..not the media.
"but I think that accepting natural hair has less to do with what's beautiful/hot/attractive to others, and more to do with adjusting our view of what's normal.
Well said black girl with long hair.
If we can understand that our visions of beauty is not ours at all, (European vision) this is half the battle toward accepting who we are.
From one black girl with long hair to another I have run into so many women that say, "See, you can wear your hair natural, you're pretty and your hair is long".
Well I have never relied on my looks or anything so superficial to get me over in life so it's really a discussion about insecurity and the self esteem that people are lacking. Then you can't really have the conversation. Whenever possible I try to encourage women that they are beautiful by simply telling them so. And it’s usually when they are at their most natural state. Un-made up, natural tresses rocked in a fro, up do, twist braids or knots. Women don't realize that what hurts you the most is, not loving the girl/woman in the mirror and further modeling that Eurocentric looking female/male whose, "hopelessly insecure and incurably sad". They sell us this crap all de time in the media.
i think something you said on someone else's blog is pertinent here- 'I feel that my hair is equally beautiful to the hair of any ethnicity. Ironically, when I was flat-ironing my hair or putting braid extensions in it to make it straight and long, I really didn't feel good about my hair as compared to other ethnicities. It felt sub-par.'. i think that being natural often places a person within a different paradigm of beauty, hopefully in a positive way.
i really really can understand. when i first went to college and got all afrocentric, i was like why do all these women feel the need to wear weaves and braids and perm? however, after some hard times and getting my hair chopped off again i really understood. it can be hard to make yourself feel good. looking in the mirror and not looking good has to be hurdle to say i am still this amazing person. i've been natural for almost 8 years. (i've lost count) i have gone through many looks.
the dating game is tough like suga said. i was in a happy environment to go natural and i was like 20. i've had many wanting love wanting to look like everyone else so i can be appreciated moments since the last cut. it is a hard decision to make. i do think it helps to make the transition if you have someone already or if you are young. i do think sometimes a pretty woman can sport some looks better. doesn't change how a short cut feels. i tell you what women don't know there is some real joy to having to do absolutely nothing to your hair with a low low cut but wet it or moisturize it.
i think beyonce should switch to locks. i want to see how the world would react.
I recently just talked to a an ex who says that chicks he thought were pretty were no longer pretty to him because they went natural and cut off their hair. I also have heard countless guys I know say similar things. So, I see it as this: its so much ignorance in this world that we cannot control it but all we can do is continue to educate and reach out because apparently being yourself isnt good enough in this day and time. The more people embrace who they are the better chance we have of changing society's definition of "beautiful" As far as I can see everybody is unique we all have features that make us different and that uniqueness is beauty. i just wan that the whole world to see that too. We don't have to look like the people that is on tv.
Accepting yourself is key!
I've been through times when I have felt insecure about myself and though at the time as a teen I thought my hair was my beauty. However I was incredibly insecure evn with the long locks, they were just my safety blanket as I thought I fit in more.
I really agree with Rhapsody in purple 'when a woman TRULY excepts herself is whan she is most beautiful, physically or not, because she is untouched by what everyone says to her.'
As even though I had my hair relaxed and long I still didnt feel comfortable. After transitioning for a year the relaxer is gone and I have never felt better about myself and it radiates. I feel I have my happy forcefield surrounding myself away from harmful thoughts from other people if I come across them, because after this long but short journey in my 20 years or life I've finally accepted myself and its a wonderful feeling.
I have had some shitty comments said to me over my transitioning but those people were ignorant. I've realised only recently that i dont care and its the best feeling ever. Though I do feel a weave is like being a slave to my hair personally. As I wasnt used to having it, hiding tracks and not letting people touch it. It just wasnt me but I dont comdemn women that do because I to did try them maybe i would again only very temporal. I just feel lucky now I've finally found myself and feel free to wonder in the rain, let guys touch my hair. To have my hair grow from my roots naturally, curly kinky iits me and I wouldnt change it.
Black women shouldnt be condemned for having weaves though they should if they are bad. Neither should natural women.. Like I said accpeting yourself is vital through a weave or not.
Basically I think if a woman is self confident about herself this repels the bad press and sure men may prefer long beyonce blonde unatural hair but to me that doesnt matter because I'm not out to impress like that. I get feel far better natural then with my weaves back in the day as I'm finally accepted and love myself. As long as black women are out to express who they are and are self loving weave or no weave thats a big step to showing black women are beautiful whatever skin shade or hair type.
I have BC'd 4 times and it wasn't until my fourth chop that I felt beautiful=comfortable with it. *I also have a round face & kinky hair :)
The media feeds us so many images of what beauty is and sometimes its the antithesis of that which is naturally black: our kinky-curly gravity-defying hair, our dark skin, etc. I think its about self-confidence and ignoring that which is accepted by the majority as "beauty."
In this sense - you make the rules - you define your own beauty and don't care what anyone else says...can't nobody tell you nothin!
a few things to consider:
just a few decades ago (in the 60s/70s) afros were the dominant style among black people in america. relaxers are only about 100 years old.
even if men prefer long hair on women, does that mean it has to be straight? we have profiled many women on this blog with huge heads of hair that are technically 'long'. afro-textured hair does grow. let's not forget that.
natural hair is still in the minority in america (and MANY other countries for that matter), and i think much of the insecurity around it really has to do with the fact that it is uncommon. because honestly, on a daily basis i see relaxers and weaves that look A MESS! i see women who would NEVER go natural, but continue to relax/weave their hair although it looks terrible and ridiculous — and they might even admit that it does. in that instance, does it have more to do with beauty? or does it have more to do with rejecting what is normal/natural?
and finally, i think that black people generally speaking don't have enough pride in their culture. this is a thorny issue and i don't want to delve into it right here... but it goes BEYOND hair. i work as a courts & legal affairs reporter, and if you SAW how much violence (murder, aggravated battery, theft) is BLACK on BLACK you would be SHOCKED! 70% of all murders in chicago in 2008 were black men killing other black men. and a smaller, but significant portion was black women being killed in domestic disputes.
black people lack unity and they lack pride. i think we need to STOP giving a f*ck what other people think of our hair and start supporting each other! our insecurities are helping people make BILLIONS of dollars off of us (through the sale of relaxers/weaves/etc)
the first comment i can understand. that has to do more with changing your mindset about looks and breaking free from the crazy comments that you digest from family and friends. i also use to run from the sun because i didn't want to get too black and hear my family comments. how dumb is that!
but the second one is ridiculous. men respond confidence and how you carry yourself. it doesn't matter how i wear my hair. if i'm walking around with my head held high and a pleasant look on my face i get approached by men regardless of what's going on with my hair. if you think you look bad other people will too because of they type of energy you're giving off.
and to comment on sugabelly's remarks. i don't not agree that men are stuck on long hair. men loved halley berry when she had short hair. everyone loved t-boz back in day. men love amber rose and rihanna. it's all about your attitude and how you present yourself. of course there are some men who just have a preference for women with long hair and thank god they aren't attracted to me. i don't want anyone to want me because of my hair.
""our insecurities are helping people make BILLIONS of dollars off of us (through the sale of relaxers/weaves/etc)""
amen!
I am dark-skinned and when I was fully relaxed (I am transitioning and almost done!), I was considered as having "good hair." When my cousins first went natural, I thought they both looked great but I KNEW it was something I would NEVER do, because...because WHAT? Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back now I believed it was something I would never do because I had bought into the idea of being some rare unicorn: dark-skin, pretty face, AND "good" hair.
Just this week my younger cousin said to me to never wear my hair like THAT again (a day-old two strand twist on perm rods), and that I was a pretty girl and when my hair is straight I am even more pretty. Then to make this worse, but to illustrate from where your post stems, she says, "Do you remember in Roots when they took the slaves from Africa? You look just like the African wife." Honestly I don't remember what part of the movie she was referring, but what she said was so NEGATIVELY PROFOUND. TRANSLATION: Unadulterated black is ugly. That's what she thought about me, and that's what she must think about herself.
Good thing I am learning to love my hair and disregard the discouragement and haters. In the end I know that I will make a positive impact on black people, and show them our hair is beautiful. This truly is a journey.
P.S. As for the aesthetic of wearing natural afro-textured hair, it's all about the cut and moisture level. Despite the texture, if the cut compliments you and the moisture is balanced for your type, you're good to go, and you've got "GOOD" hair.
I think it is sad that people give so much power to other peoples opinion. My question is: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF?
While I agree part of our self esteem comes from outside acceptance, I can't fanthom why in the world you think someone else needs to accept you when you don't accept yourself? THAT is serious problem. I grew up being called all the derrogetory names you can call a dark skinned person. And it very much affected the way I felt about myself. But I no longer allow other people to define me and what is beautiful to me or about me. It was/is a process of self love that needs to happen before we stop having grown black women feeling helpless because they CHOOSE to accept someone elses opinion of what makes them beautiful or not.
All of these insecurities really sadden me. But in a world where women are supposed to be "objects of desire" it unfortunately makes perfect sense. Our society really takes female appearance to an extreme & hurts the mentality of both men & women.
I wish that more women stopped caring so much about what ignorant/brainwashed men preferred. Their perspectives are obviously tainted & they're opinions don't matter, so who cares. All that matters is being true to ourselves, the beauty follows that inevitably...and so does the good man or woman with a much healthier perspective. It's all about integrity.
i admit that at times and alot of days I dont feel like my hair is pretty at all. I have been wearing my hair natural all summer because My hair just doesn't stay straight in this heat. I am gettin to the point where now I prefer it natural to straight where previously its been the other way around.
I am determined to wear my hair natural now no matter what ..its just better that way.
But I do agree, we feel like we have to look like Beyonce to be beautiful..and we try our darnest to do just that...weaves, contacts, booty injections..ALL THAT
But..women in general of all nationalities have been doing that since the beginning of time...
So I dont let other peoples hair preferences bother me anymore...you just gotta do YOU
i haven't commented on a few of the recent posts because i could already see where the conversation was going...like foxy not-so brown stated on her very own feature, i too am really tired with the color complex "blame game". like leila stated, the deeper issue is that black people lack unity.
look at black women. take a good hard look. the insecurities are plastered on front street. even these "celebrity" black women that are "worshiped" are not even secure enough in themselves to be themselves. yet i see women "envy" them and fall all over themselves in attempts to copy them. look at the numerous celebrities who get plastic surgery. the majority of black female celebrities have undergone rhinoplasty. i don't know what it will take for women (and not just black women) to get it. THE INSECURITY NEVER STOPS, NO MATTER THE LEVEL. as previously stated, you have to fortify yourself with your own happy force field so that no one can touch you!
as a woman especially, you can not rely on others to build up your self-esteem. even if you are seen as "beautiful" by the majority, you will still get criticized or judged. look at all the women taking the opportunity to cut down celebrities any chance they get on these gossip blogs; projecting their own insecurities trying to feel better about themselves.
i so respect this comment by shandra e because it is the pure honest truth: "i'm just SCARY without a cause & i'll use any excuse to justify/maintain my fear!! =/lol."
but i can't stomach some of the others....
i view some of the others as cross contamination of personal insecurity projected towards other women. i am not judging you but your personal opinions do not reflect the purpose of this blog. there are too many beautiful black women showcased here. too many. you wanted "proof", we give you proof. everyday. now maybe YOU don't think these women are beautiful. this may be because of what your own opinions of beauty are, especially since most black women have been brainwashed since day one, usually by their own family members that they are not good enough.
but at BGLH, a wide range of beauty is profiled, so that women can "get it". even if it may not be projected in your personal sphere, these pictures are supposed to serve as encouragement to counter the pressures and/or difficulties that may be encountered on the journey to go natural that is very much tied into acceptance of self.
once you make the decision to go natural there are no more excuses. you agree to accept your hair as is. if after going natural, you feel it's not for you that's fine too. we are given this life to make choices that suit our individual lifestyles.
i know where the insecurity is stemming from. we all know. there's nothing wrong with experimentation but, point blank: if your security is chained together with a box of relaxer or weave or to what you think a man likes, those are issues that you and only you can confront.
we are all here to support one another on the unique natural journey, no matter what form that takes. but please stop making excuses and confront these personal insecurities. surround yourself with positive/forward thinking people. limit your interactions with negative/toxic people. the process doesn't happen over night, but at least try! then we can at least work together (instead of against each other) past them. similar to what monique stated: stop letting people tell you who and what you are. define for yourself who and what you are.
j
"i see relaxers and weaves that look A MESS! i see women who would NEVER go natural, but continue to relax/weave their hair although it looks terrible and ridiculous — and they might even admit that it does."
Very good point, BGLH. It just goes to show that some of us prefer jacked-up, altered hair to our own. That's a huge problem. Do we seriously regard THAT DAMAGED hair as more attractive, or more acceptable, than our own?? I'm digressing here, but that is why I don't like statements like "I am not my hair/ I am the beauty that's within". At some level, it implies that you are beautiful IN SPITE of the hair, encouraging people to look past your hair and see the inner beauty. I argue that that's the problem. Our natural hair is not something to look past, or recognize beauty in spite of. It's gorgeous in and of itself. It's unfornunate that so few of us think that natural hair can ENHANCE one's attractiveness. Look at Solange; I never realized how pretty she was until she came out with the new cut. *I think I just went off on my own thing LOL*, but to pull it back to the topic at hand, NO natural hair is not just for the most beautiful. Natural hair might just turn some people, who would otherwise be OK, into great beauties
Women need to stay true to themselves. I would prefer that women embrace their naturalness, but in the end women should be comfortable with who they are regardless of what's on their heads. Short hair, long hair, straight or kinky, there are still ladies who do not have self-confidence no matter their style.
Personally, I know when I look good and when I look a hot mess. Much of that could just be my mood for the day. As a woman with short hair, I feel I've received a lot of attention from males. More than I thought I would get with a TWA sitting on top of my head. I wear my hair natural because this is how it was intended to be worn. I would feel fake and not myself any other way.
So, I feel that women need to be comfortable and real with themselves whether that is through hairstyle or fashion. People will pick up on that self confidence. So, whatever hairstyle brings that confidence, I would say go for it. Black women should at least try their natural hair once!! Maybe they won't go back.
@jenteel, preach! You are so right.
I get so tired of women who continue bringing up what men like or prefer. So frigging what?? If a man says he prefers light-skinned girls, will you go bleach your skin?? If he says he prefers uneducated women, will you drop out of school? If he likes curvy women, go join the rest of them and get breast and butt implants, why don't you? Since when was it important to become 'what men want'? What nonsense. Stop giving a damn and go find a man who appreciates you as you are.
exactly ...I wouldnt even Want a man who didnt like natural hair..that attitude isnt attractive in a man and he is probably a cornball anyway..I know A LOT of men who prefer natural hair.
@ Foxy... right! sometimes i'm baffled because ALL of the black/bi-racial dudes i've dated/associated with have loved my hair. ALL of them. i've NEVER had issues with a black man talking badly about my hair. and i would never allow it!
another thing i forgot to mention is if you go back in the BGLH archives, you'll see we've profiled women of ALL colors and textures. and i'm not going to insult our intelligence by doing a 'color count' of how many dark chicks or how many light chicks we've profiled. just go back and you'll see a variety.
In all honesty the men I attract now (I've stopped attracting a certain type) are much more my kind of people.
And I agree with others, broken, over-processed hair and balding hairlines cannot in any way be better than a full head of kinky, black women need to wake up to that fact!
I don't just feel prettier natural, I feel healthier, stronger more confident and a lot more playful and all areas of my life are benefitting. I would highly recommend giving it a go.
What kind of man do you want anyway? Don't you know women ar supposed to set the standards in society. Where we go, men follow. Stop looking to them to define you and your beauty cos they are waiting for us to do that job. You nourish and nurture your god given curls, love your natural beauty and rock it when you go out into the world and men tend to fall at your feet. As they should. The few that don't are usually the worthless self loathing types you wouldn't want to mess with anyway.
@sugarbelly....wow girl...you hit the nail on the head for me! Men love long hair. I did a few blogs on the length of hair and most (not all!) of the guys who responded admitted they love girls with long flowing hair. Sad but true! I'm going natural myself so I started to question myself. I don't prefer to do a big chop probably because of this reason. I consider myself a pretty women but I also have a big head so the BC would not be for me. You are absolutely correct that women want to be desirable by others and definitely by black men and if black men think long hair is desirable then that's what black women will go after...
and while i agree that who gives a fug what men want, i don't think that 'oh Beyonce's pretty, i like her hair' means, 'i'd better go and find a woman that looks like Beyonce. any woman that doesn't is ugly'. i think we need to give our men more credit. i've never had any problem with black men, when i've had longer, or shorter, straight or shrunk hair. and my dark skin has stayed dark the whole time. i don't doubt that other people have had bad experiences, but sometimes we project our insecurities on situations, as well as on other people.
Please, please, when you're watching television (not TVOne or BET, or even a black "themed" show... have you seen the relaxer commercial during HawthoRNe!? I digress) tell me who you see in those regular old commercials about insurance, birth control, pizza? A high percentage of black actresses in these commercials have natural or natural-looking hair (aren't kinky weaves a trip?).
Why do you think this is? I've speculated that getting everyday attractive looking actors to represent everyday people means getting natural looking people, i.e. curly coily black women... it's a guess. But my point being: The media isn't always forcing the issue. The MSM don't even know the issues, but they will after Chris Rock's doc (can't wait to see it).
I agree with many posters who believe it is up to you to combat the negativity running through the black community about natural hair. And I think attractiveness is always about confidence, no matter the skin color, ethnic background, country of origin, etc.
And when it comes to what men want?? How many men do you know that say one thing and do another? In terms of love, attraction doesn't always mean compatibility but that may be for another blog
:-)
@ Jenteel
That's precisely the point! We're not living in the 1800s anymore. We've got to address our own insecurities on a personal level and stop looking for someone to blame. You put it so well!
like I said before
"
We cannot expect men and society to Love our hair and our features if we dont, we get mad when men dont like our hair but guess what?..we RAISE them to not like it by never exposing them to it, mom, grandma, sister, aunt wore wigs weaves and perms and blond hair and yet we expect them to appreciate natural hair..that makes no sense..and as for features..I dont know what black women you know but all the ones I know who are brown have features just like mine..and nobody is calling them monkeys EXCEPT black folks.."
ditto @sugabelly:
"accepting who you are is ten times easier than accepting who other people see you as."
well said.
We need to stop the self-oppression. http://www.bloggingimpulse.com/2009/06/african-american-woman-triply-oppressed.html
@ MEL. I cannot stand the song "I Am Not My Hair"? If it is just hair and it doesn't matter then why does she talk about all the style she has rocked over the years for half the song? Why does she comb it? Why doesn't see just shave it all off and be bald? Appearance does not define a person but it is definitely a representation. But that's a whole other subject(there is so much that irks me about that song and "Video") Maybe India.Arie needs a self-esteem boost.
As far as the pretty thing I definitely agree with BGLH and J.
The comment about what is the "norm" speaks volumes. We as black women hold ourself to what society says we should look like.
I love how we talk about these strong beautiful black women in entertainment, industry, etc...yet they are all dolled up to fit into a "box"...but we admire them and aspire to be like them...lol....
We have to stop taking what people feed us. I cut my hair off to appreciate my natural beauty and not to be put into a box. I don't know why it took me so long to be honest with you and I will NEVER go back!
check out my blog at - www.theorakale25.blogspot.com for more on my views with black beauty, black hair, etc.
SO VERY WELL SAID!!!! I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING YOU WROTE!!!
I have been trying so long to break the psyche of our ppl, my words dont seem to stick. There is ALWAYS an excuse of some kind to reject my statements.
Sometimes i feel like giving and saying to the hell with it, at least i have THE knowledge. But I appreciate your constant efforts and your blog. Your words are not taking in vain here.
India Arie is not saying "hair doesn't matter" her point is that you can't box her into what you want her to be based on the way she wears her hair.
This discussion is a lot deeper than we can handle in on-line discussion. It's an issue so ingrained in our psyche that it will take real effort to unlearn our popular misconceptions.
It is hard to transition to natural hair & automatically begin to love & adore it. I can say from personal experience that even though I've been natural for 3 years, every day I'm still learning to love my hair in this natural state. I've straightened my hair with a flat-iron only once since going natural & I completely love it. It reminded me of my permie days & i felt guilty. Truth be told, sometimes I kinda miss the feel of a fresh relaxer when I have to style my kinky hair.
So my fellow BGLH'ers, I think the root of the matter is hidden deep within our subconscious. And we need to unlock those shackles quickly before we pass on that bondage to our children to prolong the captivity of thinking that straight long hair is better than what we are naturally endowed with.
S.
You really really need to start a message board..TODAY..we need a forum with different discussion boards
hair care
health
beauty
issues like this...
It's not only black women who have insecurities... This is an issue for all women... black, white, brown etc.
Look at in India, women bleach their skin... white women tan and have plastic surgery... It's not only black women that put in weave and fake hair... flat bottom women put in butt implants and the list goes on and on.
It's not even just about natural versus unnatural hair when the beauty issue is raised. It's also about long versus short hair.
In many many cultures, a woman is praised for having long hair. Long hair is considered beautiful.
Now you have black women all over the African diaspora living in places where they are faced daily with reaffirmations that the beauty ideal is pretty much opposite of them. It's not surprising we want to hold fast to hold fast to whatever mainstream beauty traits we have.
It took me 4 years to finally go natural because I was always considered funny looking (very tall, skinny, dark skinned, etc.) but I had long hair which "saved" me.
Even after I was comfortably natural, I still had to deal with the superficiality in the natural hair world. We are almost just as bad with our obsession with curl definition and elongation, trying to will our curls into category 3 because category 4 is considered less-than. It's inescapable all around because women are judged for their beauty against a standard, period.
This issue isn't even really about hair, in the end.
Going natural, especially cutting off your hair, is about more than being healthier and loving your culture. It's definitely a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. It takes guts to go against the grain, and it takes confidence to continue swimming after you've jumped into the ocean of change.
It takes some strength, some knowledge of self and self-love to be able to see your own beauty, even when others don't.
--Monet
Hey yall,i am the girlwho started allof this lol
but iam exhausted.
alli will say nowis that my words have been misconstrewed
and much has been left out.
i amnot a self loathing light skin hating black girl
i am simply someone who knows that itisnot easy to say forget soceity quite franklyit is quite hard
and it is that strenght that only comeswith AGE
i am only 19, every man and woman around meis superfical
and every day,i have been trying totellmyself thatiam beautiful
but is it really sobad that we all want to be accepted and loved
i mean could you really stand alone?
what if there was no natural hair websites
oh and inever said that natural hair was only for the beautiful
i wsas hinting that short natural hair is only accepted on light skin women. ie halle berry amber rose
rhianna,but do u remeber what they said aout india arie?who i think is also beautiful
my main point whichhas been throughly missed what that light skin women with africanfeatures are deemed exotic\
but on a dark skinned women she's dominant and afrocentric and a monkey
yall have allmade powerfuland beautiful sentiments but is it that simple?
oh and inever said that I THNOUGHT ththat those women were unattractive,iwas saying that the majorityof soceity does
imean look around bi racial
babies are every where these days
seeing someone who is fully black is a rareity
like i stated before, i just graduated fromhighschoollast year and out of 25 students only two of us were dark skin
@ anonymous 8:01, 8:05
where do you live?
it sounds like you're not in an environment where you see a lot of black people.
sorry for the typos like i said
i am exhausted
actually bglh,i am currently going to a college where there are alot of people from the caribbean islands.they are where i got my inspiration to go natural\
now growing up was a different story i am from augusta , ga(small city, closed minds)
and even now when i was home for the summer,i could not find one black hair stylist who knew how to do natural hair other than straighten it
i think that mycomments may have painted me as a person that i amnot
my whole family is dark skin
and i feel that they are all beautiful
but i have heard statements from them about a cousin in the family
being so dark as a baby and glad that she has lightened up
i caught it at home beacuse i have decided to go natural and all of the websites in the world could not heal thepain when my own mother said that my long hair was apart of my beauty
or when i had no support at all
and isn't it black folks who usually make us feel that way about ourselves ?
so i don't know why u even thought that bglh?
i have not mentioned white ppl once
i'm talking about black men and black america in general
@ anonymous 8:31, 8:34
it seems like you have a pretty violent internal struggle going on within, and i can understand that. but i don't think the answer is to criticize the light-skinned natural women on this blog. (you were going pretty hard at foxy-not-so-brown) like i said earlier, the black community lacks unity and i think we fracture ourselves along a color line.
if you want to see an example of a beautiful dark skinned woman who just did a big chop, please check out sunshine, who was recently profiled on this site (http://blackgirllonghair.blogspot.com/2009/07/going-natural-hair-story-guest-blogger.html)
her blog is here: http://naturalhairnaturalproducts.blogspot.com/
you said earlier that people commented on rachel's post because she's light skinned. well sunshine's post was one of the most-commented on on this blog.
i appreciate your candor in vocalizing your insecurities, but i wish you could have done it without chopping others down. color/texture issues are real, and i don't want to pretend that they're not, but this blog is a space where they don't factor into what is considered beautiful or ugly.
and i also don't see the value in stating that light skinned people with 'exotic' features have an easier time going natural than dark skinned. as J pointed out insecurity abounds EVERYWHERE and the grass always seems greener on the other side. you will never have peace if you compare. the best thing you can do is focus on yourself.
is this something you really want to do? of course 99% of the people who follow this blog are pro-natural, but if you really don't want to be natural then don't force yourself. not everyone wants to do it, and that's fine.
but if it is something you want to do i think you need to calm down and take it one day at a time. i hope that you keep checking BGLH for tips, photos and discussion that help you along the way.
WOW! I know there are many women who suffer from insecurities, but for someone to think only "beautiful" people can wear natural hair takes me over the edge. SELF-esteem is how YOU feel about YOURSELF. If you don't KNOW you're pretty, do you think the rest of the world would think you're pretty? Beauty is something radiant, not any physical feature. The most beautiful people I know may not be pretty according to society's standards, but they radiate confidence and high SELF-esteem. I am putting emphasis on "self."
BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.
Also, why do people think "pretty" people have it so easy? All people have insecurities, no matter if they are black, white, female, male, celebrity, or average joe. Stop weighing your personal insecurities out on other people and look them in the face. We all have to be able to look in the mirror and love what we see, whether permed or natural.
I never meant for it to be a light vs dark skin discussion becuz i don't walk around saying woest me i'm black as can be
but i'm not ignorant to the bias that exist either
and yea i have only been a dark skin chick all my life so i don't know the obstacles that they face
i'm just going off of what i hear
and see everyday
i don't even know how i got off on the color thing but i wasn't trying to abuse foxy.. i like her but i LOVE to debate.
i'm sorry i came off so rough quite honestly i don't even know how it got to this point
at first when i saw and read her story
i was thinking yeah its easy for you
cuz your so beautiful and then that became yeah it becuz your beautiful and your light skin not more beautiful becuz she light skin
I think that in the heat of the discussion things just went south
I guess I was just making excuses for my own insecurities like someone said
But I didn’t realize it until I saw that my comments were painting a picture of me that I am not
I just became upset because I felt like women who can’t just chop off their hair were being ridiculed. I just felt like every person should be given their own time and not judged for it
This is all that I was actually feeling and all that I meant
I am truly sorry for seeming to feel otherwise.
Firstly, as the lone male commenter, I applaud you BGWLH for this wonderful blog and for facilitating this dialogue. After being made aware of this post and reading more of the great (and not-so great) comments, I felt the need to add my narrow 2 cents to help provide some perspective from a positive Black male's point of view. Regarding my personal preference coming up, I realized I, as well as my friends, never had one regarding hair. Men love that which is pleasing to the eye and complementary to the woman. A woman having natural hair, while admirable, did not get her an instant beauty pass. The same went for sisters with long weaves or perm. "Hair" never defined beauty as far as I was concerned. I am from the school of thought where if whatever you rock looks good on you, then do it. As I've grown, I've learned to admire sisters with natural hair, but reserved the right to not be attracted to her the same way that flowing long weave didn't necessarily make me want to propose. Hair and TRUE beauty are two different things. I am a professional photographer and I feature black women of all shades and styles of hair in my portfolio...my natural models, regardless of shade or skin tone, get the most response. I actually date a beautiful woman who happens to have natural hair (y'all might know her as Foxy-Not-So-Brown). I do think it is a bit sad that so many beautiful black women have not taken a healthier approach to their hair out of fear of not being accepted by men, family or friends. That has already been touched on here but is something that obviously is learned after being told by the media what "beauty" is. It took my mother 30 yrs to realize why her hair wasn't growing the way it should...now she has a beautiful small afro...the same one she had in 1973, lol. My sister is natural...it didn't take rocket science for her to understand what was really damaging her hair all the years prior to cutting the perm out...she is happy and beautiful. Ultimately, all I am saying is most men with sense, a little style and an open mind should embrace a woman with natural hair. It says alot about they type of woman she is and where she is regarding her attitude of HER beauty, not "theirs" or ours as men. That is the woman I want. Case in point, Beyonce and Solange....both beautiful sisters BUT in my humble opinion, Solange, since her recent haircut, is far more attractive now. Her taking that step was a testament to her openness to explore herself and redefine her personal vision of beauty...hats off to her. For the sisters that don't feel going natural is for you, that is understandable, it just may not be something you feel compliments you. We get that part, but if that decision is based on a vision of beauty dictated by someone else, perhaps some things may need to be reevaluated regarding one's perception of self.
Positive Sisters "do you" and keep up the great energy! We love it and thank you for showing the world that there is more to beauty than most have been led to believe....Thanks again BGLH!
creativesilence.net
@anonymous 11:02... no worries. emotions run high sometimes. i'm glad you found this blog. we come in all shades, textures and sizes and we try to be honest and supportive here.
@creative silence... thanks for the input!!! i'm seriously considering having a men's round table on BGLH. i will definitely have to hit you up for that.
black women always have something to say about... like well you're light-skinned or you have that good hair that's why you're pretty.
well, maybe you should start looking at the beauty in everyone, but first yourself then you will realize that there are so many BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, PRETTY [YOU NAME IT!] looking black women who are so damn FLY!
Natural hair is for us if you haven't notice, but this was the hair that was suppose to separate (& by the looks of it does) and distinguish us from them all! Point Blank!
i really wish some more men would comment on this subject.
Ladies, with all the comments that have been made on this subject of beauty, its obviously a VERY touchy subject. But don't feel bad that some of us feel bad. We have been indoctrinated by beauty commercials since we first watched TV at age 1. It's understandable all the angst. Unlearning to hate yourself is definitely a long journey with winding roads, hills, valleys, rivers to cross, mountains to climb. Take this piece of advice: We have two sets of "eyes" in which to see ourselves. The first set is "oppressor eyes" We compare everything about ourselves with the dominant standard that we have been fed throughout our lives. By that standard, we lose on all fronts. Then we have our brand new "liberation eyes". Through this set we come to see the reality of our beauty, bit by bit. These eyes are a little blurry when we first get them. We keep squinting and strengthening them until they come into focus and we can "see" ourselves and all our beauty without comparing our features to others' features. Then we start to feel that freeing feeling that comes with our "liberation eyes" We stop wanting to use the "oppressor eyes" because they become more and more worthless and obsolete. We then realize the gift that God gave us (only!) and we are thankful! Then we start strutting around the town with our big bad afros, our TWAs, our frohawks, pompadours, two strand twists, etc like we own the damn place!! We command male heads to TURN!! and LOOK at some natural Bold Beauty! Black men fall to their knees in confusion--they've been watching those same commercials since age 1 also, yet they secretly want to run their fingers over your kinky, coily, nappy happy hair! Oh so sexy! ;-) Ladies, freedom gonna come! Don't forget to walk in it!
I've gone natural several times (finally got right this time thanks to the abundance of info on the internet and sistas helping sistas!) but the first time I went natural ppl told me that I was changing and becoming someone else. I was always that girl who had lots of men on hand, but once I did the BC lots of lovers (former and current) started to treat me different or told me flat out that they hated my hair. Guess what? If you hate my hair then you hate the me that GOD made me to be and obviously we ain't meant to be. I loved myself enough to keep going natural 'til I got it right and had dreads a couple times too--Dudes still tried to holla and I still enjoyed myself. And now I'm married. It's whatever, son. If you don't like my hair, kick rocks...somebody will. When I wake up in the morning I must impress myself first before I can assume anyone will be impressed with me. But my dark-skinned West Indian daddy always told his kids they were beautiful (so was he) so that confidence was there.
i doin't think that anyone should let soceity dicate their ideal of beauty but i do feel as if it does affect what men perfer
sure there are men out there that will love you regardless but that usually comes with time and age
the older the man/ woman the more secure that they are
like i stated before, i am only 19 and finding men like this at my age
is a rareity
yall are 30/40years old, yall are not thinking about what YOUNG women are facing
@ anonymous 11:24... there are a lot women around your age -- and even younger than you -- who have been profiled before on this blog. again, i think you should read through the archives before you make judgments.
"like i stated before, i am only 19 and finding men like this at my age is a rareity" -ANONYMOUS
Believe me, I completely understand. I am 19 and in school as well, and I am on my natural journey. I understand that it may seem difficult to find men in our age range that are open-minded enough to accept you and your natural beauty, but I've learned through this process that it's not about finding a mate. The natural journey is what you make of it...for me, it's about finding and defining who I am and learning to love the woman in the mirror.
Don't worry about the immature, over-rated boys who can't see pass your outer beauty. When you reach your happy place (loving yourself 100%, with little insecurity), HE -meaning the man that you've been yearning for- will waltz into your life.
I agree that it shouldnt matter what these men want. I used to think it did when some guys used to comment on how braids didnt look nice n i shouldnt get them again. I admit I wasnt comfortable with my hair. Well thats what I thought. I was actally not comfortable in myself as a whole. This summer is the first time in ages I feel confident about myself and I now believe it really doesnt matter if your hair is natural, dudes do dig it! Ive only really just opened my eyes tho, better late than never.
You just have to be self confident and not try change yourself to be accepted. It aint healthy.
should this be about natural hair, light or brown skin? or should this be about what it really is....a race for outer beauty at any cost!...when we keep pursuing outer beauty we ourselves are feeding into the lie that outer beauty is a virtue....look even women who are natural are as obsessed with their hair and appearance as women who have relaxed hair....hence where is the freedom? I think when we begin to realise that outer beauty can attract but will never make a man or anybody stay with you meaning beauty is more than attractive features...this will be a key....some one said earlier that when a woman is at her preetiest is when she is comfortable with who she is and i agree with this because true beauty starts from within, it really is not about the outside even though we should take care of ourselves...look i am just twenty...so it is not about age but a determination to discover who you are for you and when you do my dear it is the greatest freedom in the world
I am dark-skinned, have obviously nappy hair (been natural for over a decade), have never had stereotypically "long" hair that I didn't buy, and have never gotten the "you're pretty for a dark-skinned girl" comment. Oh yeah, I don't have a man either. Gosh. Where's the razor blade? *rolling eyes*
After a point it's like: You really need to decide what kind of life you're going to live. Are you going to be unhappy or happy? Comparing yourself to others is a guaranteed recipe for unhappiness.
I generally avoid mass media and I take with a grain of salt the opinions of those people (ESPECIALLY WOMEN) who consume large amounts of mass media. It's amazing how these two things alone have improved my mental health.
It takes guts to go against the grain and I'll be honest: It gets easier the older and closer to death you get. Some of the most real, I-don't-care-what-you-think folks I've met are people who've experienced real tragedy and survived...and this gets back to my question about what kind of life you want to live. Ultimately what other people think of how you look DOES NOT MATTER. You need to please yourself first and foremost and other people can either get on board or not!
aMEN sista opinion!
You need to do an 'i follow BGLH because' interview. seriously.
my email is contro_versial@hotmail.com
preach!
Do people realise the absurdity of saying 'natural hair is only for pretty black women'!? Maybe people who feel this way need to look at how they themselves view natural hair, who they believe needs weave and perm and why. Natural means in its original and pure form. How could anyone not suit what they were born with? Often I see people say 'my face is too round' or 'my head is too big', no that is an insecurity you have within yourself, maybe people who say this are concerned about their weight or have other issues with their image that enable them excuses NOT to go natural.
I understand that for some, they have not been brought up to believe hair is just hair. Some women grow up in environments where hair is highly important and there is emphasis on the beauty of long hair as opposed to short, straight as opposed to kinky, groomed as opposed to free. They may not have the social structures and family support of those who say it is 'just hair' and we cannot forget that. However, if you are transitioning towards natural hair while living in an anti-natural environment then you have made the first step towards accepting your natural self.
The issue of black women's hair is a tangled one and much like the clothes and style, we are not really doing it for men's opinion and acceptance but the larger black communities and MORE importantly our fellow females approval. I feel that to a certain extent black females are constrained by what others think we should be and a struggle with how we can come to define ourselves to be what we want to be. I don't feel that black males go through this with regards to appearance and I don't feel men need to be asked their opinion because it reinforces the idea that self-esteem and self-worth should come from outside influences and not from within the individual.
As a black female living in the western world, dominated by western/European ideas, do we have an understanding of what is beautiful for us? No because we are all to willing to be told that if we do this or that then xyz will find us more appealing. Maybe living within our western societies, we do not feel we have a place where beauty is concerned and we have therefore tried to assimilate to what is considered beautiful.
Physical beauty is elusive and it is not about hair alone. It is not the only quality that makes a woman worthwhile or a woman. I hope one day black people will redefine what it is FOR US, and not those who want to push a singular image of black beauty onto us.
Once you love yourself, whether others have light-skin/dark-skin, short hair/long hair, straight hair/nappy hair no longer becomes an issue! It ALL starts with loving and accepting yourself.
As far as the attack on foxy...yes, she is lightskinned and beautiful but do not ignore her very full lips and big nose. African features are beautiful and she wouldn't look good if her feautures weren't as ethnic as they are. I'm a little more brown skinned that foxy, but my nose and lips are as big as hers and I was teased while growing up about my African features. Now that I'm grown people think I'm beautiful and cannot understand why it took me so long to think that about myself. You have to love yourself and know that what God gave you is perfect. Work with it and get some confidence...the rest will fall in place.
Anonymous, I know you are only 19 and you have A LOT of growing up to do, but the time to start loving yourself is NOW. It is a gradual process, but you have to start somewhere. No better time than the present! Love of others, and yourself, is a decision...make up your mind and choose to love yourself and stop hating on others.
Ok - someone please cite the studies that have been done to support that men/black men/ all men/prefer long hair on women. In Africa, which is where I am from.. BEFORE the influence of colonialism.. Can we really say that this is true-- is this notion really INHERENT in Men?
Im just asking a rhetorical question, but if someone can find the studies, please email me at okorolina40@fotki.com cause a sister needs to read it!
And I need to show my brothers and my hubby this research too!
I agree with Jenteel and several others. If you dont think of yourself as beautiful or attractive in certain ways, that is on you.. but please dont project it onto others who may not feel that way. We all tend to be insecure about something.. i for one am not big about long hair although some consider it long.. i personally think I could use some "work" as far as attributes go.. But that would then be saying that what God Made me is NOT pleasing to ME even though it is to HIM and to HUBBY. That statement calms me and raises my self-esteem.
I think is blog is great in that it really embraces diversity of hair and attitudes about hair, etc. But the overarching goal hopefully by presenting this is that we can look at ourselves through pictures and writings and be, at best, proud of who we are as a people --what we have and continue to struggle with, and the need for support and acceptance with one another.
Unity is sooo needed! I think I'm cute in my own Lina40 way, and you need to pat yourself on the back and say
"Im beautiful in my own *insert YOUR name here* way!
I don't think that i was hating of foxy, i was simply stating my opinion..
I don't think natural hair is for just "pretty black women."
But I think...as with any hairstyle/cut, there is a certain style that probably fits your face very well. Sometimes, hair cuts (not just black women's hair cuts) don't look great on the person.
It's important to not let people tell you what to do, but my friends always tell me when my hair looks good and when it doesn't (also...know which friends to trust on the topic).
Just know what looks good on you.
@Lina40:
Sure, in Africa BEFORE Colonialism, men loved all types of hair. (And African women had super long hair before colonialism too - I have some pictures, maybe I'll put them up).
Either way, AFTER COLONIALISM the tendency of most men is that they like and enthuse about long touchable hair.
And many of us have experienced how the black girl with the long hair in the classroom always got the most attention.
Obviously, there really is no way to account for every single man in the world, but if people all over the world keep experiencing this and reporting it over and over again, then it's only logical to conclude that there must be at least some truth to it.
SUGABELLY..so what if men prefer long hair?...why on earth does everyone equate natural hair with short hair???
as if being natural you are doomed to a short hairstlye and destined to be manless..guess what?..natural hair can be long.
If you meet a man and he doenst like short or natural hair..you need to keep on looking, obviously ya'll aint meant to be..
news flash!!!!..short haired,long haired, nautral haired, permed and weaved women get married everyday..stop making excuses..stop letting men define your definition of beauty...If I gave in to that i'd be anorexic, permed, half naked and MISERABLE...we are smarter than men..lets start acting like it.
@Foxy Not So Brown: If you noticed, in my comment above, I said African women BEFORE Colonialism (and before they foolishly started straightening their hair) grew super long hair.
I also said I had pictures.
And the reason many people (but not me) equate natural hair with short hair is because for the longest time now, natural hair HAS been short hair (because people insisted on treating their coily/kinky hair like straight hair causing it to have problems growing).
And as far as is obvious, many many men fall into this category through no real fault of their own. Many people grew up encountering other people with natural hair that was never past their shoulders (dreadlocks are not included. And yes, I know there are exceptions) So this helped form the association of
natural hair with short hair.
Now as for allowing men to define beauty, it is beside the point that women with all sorts of hair are getting married every day.
The point of this whole discussion is not marriage. The point of this whole discussion is BEAUTY. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and unfortunately most of the time the beholders are MEN.
So while it probably is unhealthy to allow men to define what you think is beautiful, on the other hand, it is an almost inescapable reality.
The reality of life is that most women want to be desired by men in some way.
The reality of life is that since most women want to be desired by men, then what those men collectively think is beautiful is at least marginally important to most women to various degrees of course.
Marriage is beyond irrelevant. Yeah sure you could be married but if all the other men in the world thought you were ugly then you'd still be unhappy.
Women aren't made of iron and steel. No human being is. Humans are affected by what OTHER HUMANS think and say, and while it's all very well and good to espouse that beauty comes from within and that we should all be the source of our own social nourishment, at the end of the day it is IMPOSSIBLE.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to go through life completely unaffected by the thoughts or opinions of others.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to be a woman and not feel something (however slight) based on society's commentary on your beauty.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to ignore the ideas that men hold about beauty because at the end of the day we want to be with those men, and we hope they find us attractive.
Nobody wants to be told they're ugly or feel they are ugly. And because nobody wants to be told or feel they're ugly, whether we like it or not, what men think is beautiful WILL impact us in some way (however big or small).
Sure, it's very important to maintain independence of mind and of will, but I'm shocked at all these people coming here and acting as though they're made of rock-hard diamonds and social commentary just bounces off them.
A lot of men are quite taken with long hair, and those men seem to be in the majority. And that is why a lot of women are equally taken with long hair, and that is also why long hair is seen as more feminine.
And because long hair is seen as more feminine, it makes it easier for a lot of men to write black women off as being UNfeminine, because a lot of men associate natural hair with shortness (irrelevant of the truth of this) and many believe that even when a black woman has long hair, it is fake (thanks to rampant use of all manner of hair extensions among Black women).
I'm sorry, I'm just telling it like it is. It isn't pretty, and I don't think it's right either, but I also think it is folly to not take into account the impact the opinions of others have on us, particularly the opinions men have of us as women.
@ sugabelly
1. can you holler at me regarding those photos? (contro_versial@hotmail.com) if you already have them up on your site, i'd like to link to them.
2. i've had short hair all my life (it's JUST NOW that i've gone natural that it's growing off my head and down my back) and i've never had issues with finding dates/being in relationships. i think we can't isolate 'long hair' as the primary characteristic that men think about. it's one of a combination of factors that they MIGHT consider.
some other factors include big busts, round hips, big butt, small waist, healthy skin & nails, nice body shape, bright eyes, etc, etc.
i don't think having long hair trumps everything else. i mean, i remember long hair being super important when i was in kindergarten/elementary school... but as my classmates and i got older, hair played less and less of a role in which girls were considered knockouts and which were considered average. (and i went to a Catholic all-girl's school, so perhaps our ability to define feminine beauty in a male-free environment was good for us.)
and what about OTHER non-physical characteristics that affect marriage/relationships? for example, marriage is most common among people of the same socioeconomic group and education level.
and if you drill down further than that i think compatibility (not long hair) trumps everything. i don't know of many men who will go through with a marriage with a COMPLETELY uncompatible woman just because she has long hair. (i know some will, but most won't) and we have to look no further than halle berry/rihanna/christie brinkley/vanessa bryant to see that beauty ensures NOTHING when it comes to relationships.
beauty and relationships are two COMPLETELY different things.
i think that is why, as foxy-not-so-brown suggested, what men think of our physical appearance can't be our motivation for changing how we look.
even if we do change, it guarantees NOTHING.
and i'm not ignoring the fact that men's opinions do shape, in some way, our decisions about how we will look... but i think how we feel about ourselves is more powerful and important than that.
a LOT of women who follow this blog and have natural hair are married, and many to men of different races.
just goes to show how little long, straight hair factors into many relationships (including mine.)
@ sugabelly...
oops, i forgot to mention something.
you started your post out by distinguishing between beauty and relationships. but by the end you had tied the two concepts together:
"It is IMPOSSIBLE to ignore the ideas that men hold about beauty because at the end of the day we want to be with those men, and we hope they find us attractive."
that's why i mention marriage/relationships in my response.
i feel that beauty has less of a role in relationships than we think.
i mean beauty plays a BIG role in media.
but relationships... real relationships... are about commitment and compromise.
Sugabelly.
you are preoccupied with what men think of hair.
as my boyfreind stated amongst these comments (creative silence) men want you to look good. period. long or short, natural or permed.
im sick of women using this as an excuse.
Confidence will Override Hair type/length any day so Really...the question is Less about 'Are you "pretty" enough' to rock a Natural style & More So, Are you CONFIDENT enough to rock that natural style??!!!
&& I found this to be an extremely interesting post from a Natural haired girl :
"Even after I was comfortably natural, I still had to deal with the superficiality in the natural hair world. We are almost just as bad with our obsession with curl definition and elongation, trying to will our curls into category 3 because category 4 is considered less-than. It's inescapable all around because women are judged for their beauty against a standard, period".
Because I have noticed on different blogs, statements like "which hair pattern do you have" Or "Ways to grow your hair"!!! These seem inocent at first, BUT More than anything: more than accepting & loving culture, more than accepting & loving one's self...most women with the natural styles, from my observations, Are Still extremely obsessed with LENGTH and Texture most closely associated with european without being european (the whole good BLACK hair phenom)?!!!
& Like BGLH stated, past Kindergarden, Hair becomes less & less of a factor...FOR MEN!!!
So i'm starting to wonder if it's more so a problem WOMEN have...The same woman who obsess over hair type/pattern/curl vs. kink....I wonder if deep down inside These women just Can't seem to get over the COMPARING/COMPETING??!!!
i think we like to blame men, but really...the way we often feel as women, has alot to do with OTHER WOMEN!
just think, most Flashy dressing women know their clothes mean nothing to a man...(as a man so anonymously stated) they just want us to Look GOOD, but we take it upon ourselves to label & separate what's good & what's not via Clothing Labels, Hair Lables, Body/figure Labels, beauty labesl, etc!!!
Simply Put: this blog is GREAT because it targets the PROBLEM & the SOLUTION: WOMEN!
god... i'm so sick of women giving excuses that begin with "But black men like/prefer..."
I think that such assumptions are not only insults to the intelligence of black men but also insults to the freedom of women.
I agree Teesha.
@everyone:
First of all, I have natural hair so I'm not using it as an excuse.
I am not defending or supporting what men think, I am simply REPORTING.
I'm not saying that because there are men out there who refuse to date women with natural hair, or who do but consider women with long straight hair far more attractive than their girlfriends, that we should all run to the nearest pack of relaxer. God Forbid.
What I AM saying is that it is INSENSITIVE of some naturals to make out that the only beauty reassurance you need is your own, because this is JUST NOT TRUE.
As women we feed off affirmations from the people around us of our beauty no matter how independent minded we claim to be.
Hey, most of the time I don't give a shit what other people think but things still get to me. Especially things said by family, close friends, significant others or love interests.
So I think some people have missed the point of what I said.
I agree that these attitudes of men are very wrong and need to be changed, but at the same time, I don't think it is right to discount the reality of their impact on our hair self esteem and on our personal perceptions of our hair.
After all there are loads of natural haired women that straighten their hair before interviews.
If it was true that the opinions of others don't count then why would a natural haired woman experience fear or apprehension about her hair in relation to the job interview?
It's not right, and I am not saying it is, but at the end of the day, we are not 100% in control of the perceptions of our hair, and because other people have opinions and feelings about our hair that they put out there, it AFFECTS US.
So yes, there are loads of men that like long silky straight as possible hair.
And that is why it is a challenge to stay true to yourself when you come across one of those men and in a world that keeps trying to foist this super straightened image upon you.
It shouldn't be a challenge to just be yourself but unfortunately it is, and I'm just pointing that out.
Ok, I really hope this post comes through. I am of the belief of many other of my sistahs who subscribe to the theory that women WITH hair are the ones who typically make statements like "its just hair, it will grow back" those ppl have ALWAYS had hair and it is no issue 4 THEM!!!
@Sugabelly (& everybody else):
You do have a point. In my comment I said that if a dude didn't like the me that God made me to be then he could "kick rocks" but I have always been told that I was pretty (not bragging just stating a fact) by my family members a lot at first, but also by others. So yeah that goes to your head and gives you confidence early on--all I had to do was build upon what my family already instilled. However, I have been told by some others that I wasn't that pretty and that they didn't know what the big deal about me was...by that time I was pretty confident in myself and respected that everyone has an opinion so it didn't devastate me. I've also had ppl say negative things about my locs (when I had them) and my hair texture. People had negative things to say about my texture because my hair wasn't healthy and well taken care of though--I hadn't learned how to do so. Good looking/stylish hair is gonna get respect regardless and it's up to us to learn how to do that. I think the take away lesson from all this is that we should find our power/sense of beauty/self-confidence within. If you already love what God has given you (whatever that may be)any compliment after that will just being icing. Everyone in the world wasn't meant to look the same and there somebody for everybody, I'm sure. Confidence goes a long way in attracting mates no matter what you look like...I've seen it myself.
Ladies, it's obvious that we have had different experiences concerning "beauty". It all depends on your formative years. Did the folks around you love their natural selves, including men? Did they appreciate both natural and weave or perm? Was there fear of napps or short hair? All of these factors and more play into how you see yourself!! So depending on where you are is the level of the fight you have to wage to get to the prize of LOVING YOUR NATURAL SELF!! Let's be patient of our sisters who had bad experiences, and let's be tolerant of those lucky sisters who had the good experiences and can't understand the fear of the first group. Again, I thank God for these forums where we work out our own issues!!!
Blessings
There are too many "beautiful people" in the world who are ugly inside. I don't care what you look like. If you are a nice person and have a good heart that is all that matters. I am not drawn to people based on looks.
As far as being attractive to other men, black or otherwise, why would you want to be attrictive to a man that is shallow and only wants a woman with straight and/or long hair? Don't you want someone to love YOU not be in love with a fake version of you?
When my hubby met me I had short hair and wore retro cat's eye glasses. He fell in love with ME not my physical appearance. Since we have been together, I have gained and lost weight, shaved my head, dyed my hair and gone through different styles of clothing. He never cared!!! Because he loves ME, the person inside. We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and are more in love today than when we met because we are our natural selves with each other not some fake version of ourselves.
Ladies, be your natural self and you will attract the kind of man that will love you UNCONDITIONALLY. You will also attract good friends who like you for you and not because you are a fake version of yourself.
I really feel that all the time, energy and money women put into changing their appearance to something that is not natural is OPPRESSIVE!! It wastes energy and brings you down. God did not make a mistake when he made you.
Beth my dear you get it. (Queenbuv3) *hats off 2 you*
I could not would not in a house. I could not would not with a mouse..give 2 shakes of a cat's tail about some dude not finding me attractive because my hair is kinky and not like Barbie's. If that is the way he thinks then my napps just helped me dodge a bullet. I don't want a man that is victim to the snare of society's ideas of normalcy and beauty. I want a real man that is open and appreciates me on my best day or my worst. I want a man that if God forbid I was tempted to taste the creamy crack again would snatch it out of my hand and say NO YOU DON'T. I want a man, not a boy, not a puppet, not a follower, not a thug, not a dummy, not superficial, not an enabler, not ignorant. The man that is for me will love me from the inside out. A man that loves the black woman and everything she stands for. Knows our struggle and encourages me to keep free of the ideas that separate our people. So I walk around with my "ugly" face..my big nose and my full lips..my imperfections and my nappy hair but my head held high. My arms open waiting to embrace the man, the sister, the friend that is for me. I will settle for nothing less.
@Sugabelly
It is one thing to be human and to allow the opinions of others to AFFECT you and another thing entirely to allow them to DEFINE you. I don't pretend to be made of steel. Sometimes people make comments that offend me and make me upset..even hurt my feelings. BUT is that going to make me try to fix w/e it is they think is unacceptable and conform to their ideas? Heck no. I do not allow someone else's preference to dictate my reality. I agree we cannot discount the impact others have on us and or our self perception. But you can control HOW MUCH and WHAT KIND of an impact others have on your life. If it causes you to hate yourself or change something you like about yourself solely for their benefit then you are giving other people control of your life. And that is not healthy. If it makes you feel insecure at times or makes you upset..that is normal. We are social creatures. All I'm saying is that you can draw the line. You don't have to pretend to live in a bubble but you don't have to be as easily moved and shifted as a summer breeze either. But my love I do understand where you are coming from.
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I went natural for me and I will stay natural for me. I have had negative comments here and there but they didn't change the fact that I LOVE my hair to no end. And the fact that I think going natural is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I don't style my hair any differently when around those people and I don't treat them unkind. I'm me, love it or hate it, take it or leave it. Their comments affected me in the sense that I feel bad for them. It saddens me that they do not see the beauty of natural hair. Their loss. The only person I will change for is God Almighty and I'm certain he likes my napps just fine. It takes great strength to think and live this way and not try to be like everyone else or live up to society's standards of beauty...to swim against a strong overwhelming current. I thank God for this strength and will work until I die to keep it.
in case anyone's missed it before, the site le coil showcases a RANGE of black women/natural hair lushness on the regular--all kinds of women looking like you, me or someone you know. check it out sometime alongside bgwlh to get a fix on the beauty of who we are. reaffirm yourself, if needs be. http://lecoil.tumblr.com/
I believe black women CAN have swingable natural hair IF they put it in SISTERLOCKS. Ive seen them on many people and since their hair is locked, the're is no breakage and ends up down their back--it looks VERY PRETTY on chocolate sistas especially because of the contrast
I'm currently natural and have to say, I struggle with the 'prettiness' issue just as often as I did when I had straight hair. Most of the natural girls I see are very pretty and confident, and young and thin. For someone on the other side of 35 and plump, it's a fight sometimes to feel as confident as one should. Lots of good comments, though I'd caution against completely discounting sugabelly's arguments entirely. Everyone wants to feel beautiful, and it's obvious that for many african american women, we are told the opposite more often than not. Sites like this one help alleviate the negativity, but for many of us it still remains an issue.
It's been a year since i went completely natural and i'm loving it.
To make it easy i had sisterlocks put on and believe me i get a lot of compliments. For those who wants to go natural but dont want to stress themselves about taking care of their hair, sisterlocks is a wonderful alternative.
Hi, I have been natural for most of my life & where I live, it's not all that popular to be natural. There ARE a few of us, (I'm not including the lovely ladies who wear locs simply because people seem to accept that look more than the look of loose afro textured hair) but not enough to be popular. Mostly the African American women here sport the weaves, relaxers, kinky twists, or micro braids. I think today's woman is afraid to go natural even if she wants to, especially if she is in a relationship, simply because she fears she will get dumped. Let's be real here,I don't think it's about who is pretty enough to be natural, it's all about competition & women often do things to themselves to make themselves a more attractive package for men. Now in a place I like to call a perfect world, if African American (AA) men preferred that their AA women wore their hair all natural, by this time next year there would be corporations who make the relaxers & weaves bankrupted! But the reality is that I see more & more of African American men with tanned, fake breasts, straight haired, white women or the backup pick, the latino woman. An AA woman will do almost anything to keep her guy. It's bad enough for the AA woman trying to compete with other AA women but with more & more of our AA men seeming to prefer to date latino & white women, well I can see why some AA woman won't go natural after trying to compete with the straight, long hair look of other races. It doesn't help that the media seems to endorse the relationships between white women & AA men. We all know how easy it is to be brainwashed. It takes a strong AA man to be with an AA woman with all the temptation of not just AA women but other races out there too. And it's even sweeter if he accepts your natural self too. It also definitely takes a certain kind of AA woman to go natural & really embrace it. When you do, you'll eventually see that it didn't matter 1 way or the other if you kept the weave, perm, etc., if a guy wants to leave you or date outside of his race he will, no matter how straight & long your hair.
This is exactly what needs to be embraced by the black community. Blacks can go on and on about blaming "The Man" on everything that goes wrong with us, but we never care to look at ourselves and put some weight on our shoulders. We have mentally enslaved ourselves, and only one's will power can free them.
Concerning my relations with white people (or any other people with naturally straight hair), what made me comfortable with wearing my hair naturally around white people was this life-altering realization: I wasn't put on this planet to a) please white folk b) educate white folk and c) make white folk feel more comfortable. It seems as if black people are still in this mindset that we need to continue serving white people beyond the abolishment of slavery, as a lot of people see this as the best way to "co-exist peacefully" when this just isn't the way to go.
Concerning my relations with other black people, the same generally applies, though it does hit closer to home. While I accept that our [American] society has a eurocentric lean, that doesn't mean I accept it as it is. I'm a non-comformist to the end!! To go more toward the dating spectrum, I'm sick of hearing black women saying how they can't attract (black) men with their natural hair so they need to press it and perm it.
Listen -
It's not that you won't attract men with natural hair: YOU'RE GOING TO ATTRACT A CERTAIN TYPE OF GUY. I won't go and say that only this type of guy is attracted to this type of girl, but generally speaking, most black women whom I see who wear natural hair tend to date men who are more socially/poltically conscious, introspective, and open minded, and they can be of any age group, race, or ethnicity. If you get all fussy because you think that natural hair won't attract the kind of man that you are use to dating (the kind of man who is really dating your hair rather than you), then you probably need to get your priorities straight.
This all leads up to the main point: in the end, IT IS JUST HAIR (and as a mammal, you will always have hair). Stop relying on others to raise your self esteem, to tell you that your beautiful, and stop putting yourself in a position where your goal is to make other people happy rather than yourself. At the end of the day, its not other people's job to do this stuff for you, and when people offer you some support, don't get all pissy with the "easy for you to say: you're pretty blah blah blah" and get down on them for feeling good about themselves (and, it is pretty damned simple-minded to think that if you reach society's standards of beauty, then you have no more troubles, or that internal struggles are irrelevent to the bigger picture). So long as their self-esteem isn't coming from someone else's expense or an utterly superficial standard, then why shouldn't someone else feel good with themselves while you wallow in your self-loathing? Be unhappy with yourself if that's what you really want - that's your problem at the end of the day.
As for how you should feel about other people's views of you, then you shouldn't care. People will always find a reason to hate on other people, and as always, that's their deal, not your own.
Being a woman of science rather than one of a god, I'll close by saying:
if evolution was unfavorable toward African hair, then natural selection would have taken care if it a long time ago. We have our hair for a reason (other than a result of gene flow with some black folks). :)
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