A lot of times, I'll hear statements like;
"White people appreciate my natural hair more than black people."
"I get more compliments from non black people on my natural hair."
Followed by some variation of "It's so sad. Why are black people like this?"
I'm not going to disagree with those statements. They've been true in my own life at various points. But I am INSANELY uncomfortable with what they suggest.
So, then, for us to accept that we look black we have to be surrounded by people who aren't black?
White people/non blacks have been implicated in many ways in the black hair experience.
Slavery and segregation have been cited as the reasons black people can't accept themselves. The American beauty standard -- as expressed in media and fashion -- has been blamed for being too eurocentric.
The whole "only non black people appreciate my natural hair" seems an odd follow up to that.
I do think that the way we are and have been perceived by other races has its place in the natural hair discussion.
But I also think our focus, when it comes to hair, is too external.
Many black women struggle with a fundamental lack of pride in their physical appearance. So isn't the most powerful thing that we can do now, at this point in our history, is love ourselves and love our hair?
Love of our hair has got to start with us, within our families. It's something we have to spread to our parents, spouses and siblings, and teach to our children. And though we date and marry people both within and outside of our race, we remain black women and we still must learn to love who we are.
16 comments:
I rarely disagree on the substance of your musings Leila but today I do so and strongly.
I would counter this post with saying that WE DO appreciate and LOVE ourselves insanely as black women by continually wearing natural hair that is regarded by many other black women as bad/unacceptable. There is an issue here when people deem hair to be unnacceptable, it should not be minimized or hidden away.
I think we need to be careful and not distort the reality. Far from struggling to find a sense of pride in myself as a black woman, I probably need to peg back my over inflated sense of self just a little.
If I was NOT so proud I would have listened to the chorus from the black folk about just how cute my hair would look straight. I have my own chorus in my head which fixes that.
I think observations are observations. There is no deeper meaning to it except to say the obvious - the majority of black women prefer straight hair. I am not one to try and change the universe. I truly believe that by holding my head high, wearing my natural hair that I will inspire someone next to me to do the same.
I also do think that I have evolved beyond needing someone, anyone including myself to tell me that it is acceptable to be black.
I think that life will lose some of its glimmer if you walk around thinking that someone else views your skin as a handicap, least of all yourself.
I do think that you are missing the point. The reason why I have received nice compliments from white people is generally because they have not seen hair like this widely (fault of black women not wearing their natural hair). Equally they see its versatility and appreciate that I look beautiful with it. This is not about them wanting to have my hair, it is about appreciating that it looks good on me and suits me.
The compliments from black people usually centre on length for me. This is because black people (not white) have a eurocentric view of themselves. If you glance at 'white' magazines like vogue or marie claire, the black women will be more likely to wear natural hair or afros because it is fashionable. The pages of black magazines like essence and ebony have acres of relaxed manes and then a 2/3 page supplement dedicated to 'naturals' - meaning extension braids.
That said, I refuse to place blame on the media or segregation or slavery. We are living in a day and age where we have resources and need to take responsibility as individuals not turn around and blame our upbringing or the magazines we read.
Read a new book (preferably books) and rise above. The natural hair community is one of the most accepting places, so much so that it is breeding radicalism. Accepting natural hair begins and ends with the individual. Looking to anyone black or white, male or female to accept it is ridiculous. The only person who has to love that hair is the one who has to take care of it and defend it in the midst of criticism.
@ Jc... I think it's interesting that you mention not blaming slavery or segregation, because I suggest in the piece that they don't deserve continued and consistent blame.
The point I make is that our focus is too external. And of course this is not true of every natural. We can't use other races reactions to our hair as some kind of barometer... of anything. (Isn't that how we got into this problem in the first place? Straightening our hair to be more acceptable?)
I am not suggesting that we try to bend random black people's opinions to our wills. I do agree that black culture is sick when it comes to accepting the way we look.
And if the root of the issue is in black culture, then I believe that the solution has to start there. Most of the women who read this blog come from black families, or have a black parent. So again, the solution isn't to go picket in front of Essence, or BET, but to start discussion within our own families.
I have heard of many black women who inspired their moms and aunts and sisters to go natural.
And everybody was amazed at the white dad who had learned to take care of his daughter's hair -- as was I. He is doing what all black parents should do. And what many women on this blog are doing. That's what I mean when I say it starts with us, with our families.
I know it's a controversial thing to believe, but I do stand by it. But you know, I think it is interesting and sad that it IS a controversial thing to believe; the idea that we can inspire those closest to us (which in many, but not all instances, includes our black families) to appreciate natural beauty.
And I write this being fully aware that many BGLH readers are in interracial relationships. But bi-racial children must also learn to accept their textures and wear them proudly. (for example, the little girl in the infamous video of the black mother berating her daughter while roughly combing her hair is bi-racial, i believe.)
So how is this radical? The idea that education and inspiration begin at home? And if we applaud a white dad for having that mentality, and learning to take care of his Ethiopian daughter's hair... why is it radical when WE as black women have that mentality?
When I first read this, I was feeling what Leila said. Now I'm torn. Both of you make such solid points. I need to think about this one or at least see what some of what my fellow BGLH'ers think. I'll check back later.
In my observations of black women, we may love our bodies, our curves; but the MAJORITY of black women don't love their hair. How can you say you love yourself and not love all of it?
Yes, there are black women who stand up in the face of a society that devalues us and revel in their natural beauty. However, the fact remains that most black women believe their hair is UGLY and THAT is why they get a relaxer/weave. Not because we prefer it that way, but because without that straight hair we feel less than beautiful and inadequate. Many black women don't want to admit it because it is too painful and causes them to rethink how they see themselves. So instead of acknowledging this fact we deny and create excuses.
This sentiments did SPRING from slavery and oppression; however we have to take the reins and CHANGE FOR OURSELVES. Not to please other races, but to be the whole, healthy, and intensely beautiful beings that God created us to be. We should be evaluating what WE need in order to not just survive, but also to thrive.
This topic started about accepting our hair, but I think it can reach farther than that. I realized that the tight network that the black community used to be is slipping away FAST. We don't support one another any more. In our own communities we don't own the businesses that are there. We don't have any say in our local neighborhood economies. We need to love and accept ourselves first and love and support each other.
I, as an individual, cannot force fed my views down anyone's throat. They must come to that realization on their own. Hopefully the women that are natural can be an example and maybe a catalyst for change in these other women (and men lol).
It's true that Black people arent as accepting of non-chemically treated hair, however how much can we say this is about lack of positive self-image of black woman-ness? Of course their are many people who do have a lack of positive self-image, but that runs all races and cultural groups. Regarding the topic at hand of black hair, what about all the creative styles of weaves, extensions, and wigs that black women have created appart from the "wanting to look like the european standard" I dont know many white people who have those nice slick back short cuts, or some intricate updo. Those styles resemble some of the black creativity we like to rave about, and the woman who wear them are extremely proud of themselves.
In general, we just like to manipulate our hair so we look good. Even naturals manipulate our hair moreso than other cultures cause we dont want to have some matted locs (i'm not calling out locs as bad, but i'm saying not alot of naturals want free forming locs either)
Because our hair is a larger part of our beauty regime than most people, we spend more time fixing it and maintaining it. Now the aesthetic of coily hair may not be a rejection of ourselves (as a whole), Maybe in my neck of the woods, i've observed many women rejecting chemical processes on their hair and moving to non-straight stylings like locs and twist-outs, braid-outs, etc. Because they are tired of being burned, losing hair, etc. Does this change mean they've lost their negative self-image of themselves? Maybe this is offtopic, but my mom has kept a short-do for a few years and people always give her flack about her lack of hair, but she has a positive self image of herself as a black woman. In the end it does really boils down to "I am not my hair ... I am a soul that lives within"
I would agree with JC that its definitely an individual choice, but I also believe that there should be public displays of natural hair (and natural hair care) that gives people proper knowledge of their choices with their hair. Maybe we need to get our peeps and make a "Beauty Shop:Natural hair edition" movie.
Overall, I believe that change has already begun to that effect.
Amen! I completely agree..we have to be the change we want to see. Many times people say negative comments about natural hair because they know nothing about it. I know that when I have children they are going appreciate everything about themselves and I pray that they love themselves for who they are.
I fully understand that feeling beautiful begins with me. I totally get that!
@ JC and Leila: I think you are both coming from two different perspectives but are fundamentally saying the same thing. Leila your focus seems to be on black women (people) as whole, those who are natural and not natural, and thus those who, because of their race and the history behind it, have been molded to accept external validation for their appearance--a validation that is often at odds with a natural look. JC, on the other had, appears to be focused on the natural black women; essentially, the natural black women, who, of course, is still burden by this history but who in internalizing her own sense of beauty/validation, has removed herself from the baggage of the external validation that Leila is speaking of. That said, I think you are both intimating the same thing: regardless of who gives the natural black female a compliment, her sense of self comes from within, is nurtured from within, and fostered by a black community (family, friends and the larger community manifest in black cultural media); the individual's pride in herself will thus effect the larger community, which will, in turn, engender greater appreciation of natural black self in the family and larger community.
Like Izzy, I'm torn too. I can see it from both ways... But I see what Leila's saying.
I applaud that white guy b/c he did what other black parents and parents with black and half black children, a lot of them don't do. He actually learned how to take care of AND style his child's hair. And the other thing I loved was his description of his daughter's hair. Never once did he say it was nappy or the dreaded "unmanageable".
We have little black girls @age 3 getting relaxers b/c their parents don't know how to take care of their hair. That's sad. This is us and OUR hair, we should know how to do it! So I can see what Leila is saying, in that it does start at home. B/c, I know I can say, if I knew all the things I know now about natural hair care and styling, I would have never begged my mother for that relaxer at age 12 and if she knew all the things that I know about it, she would have never let me have it; I wouldn't have wanted it.
I think we don't give our families enough credit. I think they have more power than the media in many ways. They really do affect a lot of our decisions and actions. My transition would have been a whole lot different had my family said that's a bad idea or your hair is gonna be so ugly or you don't have curly hair to be no longer relaxing. I would have still done it anyway b/c I made up my mind but it can get hard dealing with all that negativity.
You watch a music video and turn the tv off but you have to deal with your family all of the time.
So I agree, it starts at home, within the black community. We knw what slavery did to us, so let's recognize it but keep it movin forward and stop giving it energy.
I just want it to get to the point where it's not controversial and a big deal anymore. That it really is just "natural".
i agree with Jc. in my opinion when black women with natural hair accept compliments from non-black people that does not mean they are seeking acceptance from them. i actually find it difficult to believe that there are adult women out there who are growing their natural hair based on what other people think or the compliments they recieve.
making the decision to go natural is not easy and many women face opposition from family members and friends...i think most black women with natural hair these days have passed the point of caring or being bothered by what people think.
however, i also believe women generally like recieving compliments. i know i do! after i had my hair been ridiculed by fellow blacks whether family members or friends, i definitely appreciated it when anyone complimented my hair regardless of their race. i hang out more with Asians so most hair compliments i recieve are from Asians. i do not wake up in the morning thinking about the compliments i will recieve for my hair. just because in my experience i get more compliments from non-blacks doesn't mean i'll seeking acceptance from them.
i like to believe that my being natural inspires others to accept natural hair however i have noticed that though i do not get as much trouble from my family for my natural hair as i used when i did the big chop, my hair is still not accepted. i've pretty much given up on trying to teach some people to accept natural hair. as for those who are more open to it, i try support them.
I think if you surveyed black women who have chosen to wear their hair in its natural state, you will find that the majority made that decision alone and without support from family and friends. This is especially true of naturals like myself, who made the choice to go natural long before natural became trendy. The majority of naturals I know are very confident, self-assured women who are able to make life decisions that best suit them even when faced with opposition from those closest to them.
I admit that I have probably received more compliments from non-black people on my hair, but I think that is changing. I've seen older women in my family convert to natural styles. Women who were totally against my going natural. Those of us who believe in this lifestyle choice (because that's what it is) just need to continue to live our lives and, in so doing, be examples for the women around us who may be curious, but still need to be persuaded that natural can be just as beautiful as any other hair choice.
We naturals are the influence the world needs. We are the best examples of how beautiful and wonderful natural can be. We will influence the women in our lives far more than any magazine or television show.
well said, leila
Anon said:
@ JC and Leila: I think you are both coming from two different perspectives but are fundamentally saying the same thing: regardless of who gives the natural black female a compliment, her sense of self comes from within, is nurtured from within, and fostered by a black community (family, friends and the larger community manifest in black cultural media);
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Anon you took the words right out of my mouth!!! Spot on :-) There's no reason to be torn btn what JC and Lelia said bc like what Anon wrote, they're taking two different approaches but the underlying meaning is very similar IMO. Or at least that's how I interpreted it. lol Great topic!
i personally do not think white people or other minorities are more accepting of natural hair. i just think that black people are more vocal towards their own about what they don't like about you. lol my black co-workers and friends have no problems joking about my hair or telling me they like it better this way or that way.
i feel as though the lack of compliments or the few we do receive from whites may skew our view that they are more accepting. in reality, there are just as many whites that don't approve of nappy hair as their are blacks. i think across the board, people that are a bit more liberal and hippie-ish and non-conformists are more accepting of natural hair.
however, i do agree that our love of ourselves should not come from compliments from anyone. it has to start from within.
About the last sentence, I agree. Yes, It's just as important, whether you have full black kids or not to learn to appreciate yourself and learn to separate from the ignorance of people who don't.
I just read the article here about the DR, a country full of mixed people, who can't appreciate black beauty. Knowledge of black beauty is not something we have the luxury of ignoring when we have mixed children.
No matter who you produce, you need to fix your view of yourself. For example, I have an uncle married to a woman (not black) who has disparaging things to say about black women.
Now, if this female produces some half black girls with my uncle don't u think the world is going to remind them every single day that they are black women? How will they match that with their mothers opinions? Regardless, of how she tries to separate them from that label, they are going to feel pain from of her words, and psychologically struggle with loving who they are.
About sharing the kinder reponse from non blacks, people can't deny their experiences. But, I do understand they should keep a perspective about them. It doesn't mean we have to hide our truth truth, it just means we gain a little more clarity.
Personally, I've experienced this same situation. As for perspective..when we see this, we should remind ourselves that whites are not always in your face with their comments when they dis-aaprove of you. It doesn't mean they would trade their hair for an afro. But, i could mean that you are only talking to the whites that like to see it on you, while the others keep their traps shut.
In addition, because of our collective struggles Blacks often feel a familiarity. Whether or not they know you, sometimes they act like, bringing their negativity into your space.
Also, we never truly know how many blacks like what they see when they look at us. Black people are not always approaching you with their "approval," even when they gain confidence by seeing you wear your hair out. I can't count the times I tried not to stare and become noticed by a black woman while I was admiring. Why?
It's a challenge to deal with these issues, and talk openly (i.e. compliment you). The trauma we've all gone through makes talking about this harder for us who have dealt with that than it would be for whites.
Plus, if whites had been asked to confront some deep seeded issue just because of our actions the way blacks must confront themselves when we wear our hair out, I don't think they'd be especially kinder than we are..
If I decided to wear an "I want my reparations" t-shirt or "The LAPD is racist" t-shirt, I might get a reaction that's more based in white defensiveness, and is therefore a little more "in my face." Kinda like what I get from some black folks about my hair.
Like or dislike, kinky hair is usually not that personal on the white side of the aisle, and that can affect a white person's ability to both see the beauty and remain neutral about it.
Last, If we had as many white family members as we do black, I'm sure we'd be hearing a lot of negativity from that perspective. Family has no shame with their honesty, black or non-black Hearing people report their families reactions to our behavior is a great way to get perspective on what non-black folks might really be thinking about kinky hair. And, it's not always good.
Still, no matter what we deal with in person, we know where our strongest support is..There are thousands of other black sisters in our shoes willing to encourage us, love us, and teach us. We've seen them online.
It's because of them that I'm as educated and confident about my hair as I am. It's not because of the white folks who complimented me long after I'd finished the mental journey. I appreciate the compliments. But, I keep it in perspective.
I don't think those comments suggest that we need validation from non black people. I think it may point out a fact for some. For some naturals, maybe they are in an environment where blacks love their hair or not. But whether or not a black person loves my hair, or any other race/ethnicity for that matter, does not determine how much I love me or confuses me as to what I look like. I know what I look like and I love it. I've loved it through the negative comments, the stares, the insensitive jokes and I've loved it through the positive comments and admirations. I dunno, I guess I just don't see the connection where you see it.
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